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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23132959">Reflections</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ParkerCat/pseuds/ParkerCat'>ParkerCat</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Reactions [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Thunderbirds</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 07:34:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,212</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23132959</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ParkerCat/pseuds/ParkerCat</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Scott takes some time to mull things over before the big launch. Set pre The Long Reach.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Reactions [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1662778</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Reflections</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Scott sat at his father’s desk with a whisky, trying to get his whirling thoughts in order. It was only a few days before they were due to launch the new Zero XL to go and rescue his dad and he was starting to feel like he was going mad with the pressure. He knew that he was driving everyone crazy but he just couldn’t seem to stop himself from prowling around the place, trying to micromanage everything and flying off the handle at every minor issue. And despite everyone reaching out to him, there was no way he could even attempt to explain to them how he was feeling as he didn’t even really know himself.</p><p> </p><p>He was very well aware that while he’d willingly taken on the responsibility of running both Tracy Industries and International Rescue in the aftermath of his dads’ accident, the pressure that came with the roles had always been huge. He’d shouldered it for years without complaint but something had changed since they realised their dad might still be alive. Quite why the thought that some of that pressure could soon be lifted somehow made it harder to bear was something that he barely understood; all he knew was that he suddenly had a desperate need to know if it was a burden he was to carry for the rest of his life. And if he didn’t, whether he would find himself able to step back from these organisations that had become almost like his children over the past 8 years. It was that need that was what was driving him (and everyone else on the island) towards madness.</p><p> </p><p>Mulling it over further, he realised that the guilt he carried with him daily about his dad’s accident was something that had become a background hum in his life rather than the overwhelming driving force that it had been after the event. At least, that’s how it had been until he found that the ‘explosion’ was actually the Zero X launching. Then the weight of guilt and loss he carried had redoubled its attack and tormented his relentlessly. He’d lost count of the number of nights he’d lain awake crying angry tears into the pillow and beating himself up for not realising, and no matter how many times he was reassured that nobody could have known, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he should have thought to track down the escape capsule sooner. If he’d done that, his dad wouldn’t have had to spend so many years alone. When he thought about the mission that lay ahead of them, he found that he was more than a little afraid of what they would find when they got there. If their father was even alive, would he even still be the same man who had raised them? And how would it affect his brothers, especially Alan? He’s still been a child when his dad went missing and had grown so much since then. And what would his dad think of the job he’d done of raising his youngest brothers?</p><p> </p><p>As his thoughts began to swirl away from introspection into frantic questions he sipped his drink, pulling a slight face when the alcohol hit the back of his throat. He’d never been overly fond of whisky but it was his dad’s favourite and it reminded him of the evening, years before, when he stood on the balcony of their new home watching the sun setting over the ocean with his father by his side and was gifted his first dram from his fathers’ ‘good’ bottle. For so long it had been the only thing of his fathers that was uniquely his that it had taken an almost reverential place in his life. A small glass was his way of reconnecting when things got tough and it was what grounded him now.</p><p> </p><p>Thinking back to when International Rescue was first formed, he had believed he knew what he was signing up for and what he would be giving up. The was no doubt in his mind that he wouldn’t change the good work they do for anything but he couldn’t help but feel that, given the situation, maybe it hadn’t given him exactly what he was expecting. Growing up, he’d always had an image of a family of his own as well as a close group of friends but all of that had been pushed to one side for the greater good of his family once his dad had gone missing. The grief of his loss had made him throw himself into his work and left no time for anything else. As the possibility of a life without what felt like the sole responsibility for 2 large companies presented itself, he started to realise how little he actually had out-with his island home and he had been surprised at the unexpected anger that had bubbled up with that realisation. He pushed it back down feeling disgusted at himself for even thinking of himself when his dad had given so much for them it but once it had shown itself, it proved hard to ignore. Once he had identified it, he realised that this anger had been inadvertently seeping out in his actions and frustrations for some time and this made him hate himself even more. It wasn’t his brothers fault that he was alone.</p><p> </p><p>He knew full well that his actions had been reckless over the years, with scant regard for his own safety and he remembered with embarrassment the times when Virgil had argued and pleaded with him to be careful. At the time, everything he did had seemed perfectly sensible but he cringed now thinking about the risks he had taken. He knew deep down that they had come from desperation not to fail and anger at himself for doing just that when his dad had needed him the most. Scott didn’t want to know what his father would make of some of his decisions while out on missions. Or what he would think if he knew how his eldest son was acting towards his brothers in the run up to his rescue. And suddenly Scott realised that that was the crux of his problems – would his dad think he was as much of a failure as he did? Would his brothers forgive him for pushing them so hard just now? And what would happen if they didn’t and their mission failed?</p><p> </p><p>With that, he had to conclude that more than the anger and the guilt he felt, he was just scared. Scared that the mission would fail. Scared of what they would find. Scared of its effect on his brothers if what they found wasn’t what they were hoping for. Scared of something happening to his brothers while they were trying. And, if the mission was a success, scared that his actions over the last 8 years wouldn’t live up to his dads’ expectations.</p><p> </p><p>Scott took the final swig of his drink and headed for his bed. In a few days he’d have the answers to all the questions that swirled relentlessly around his head but for now, he just needed to keep pushing on, trying his best to stay in control and hoping for the best.</p>
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